I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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