Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
