i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
