conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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