we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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