I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
