So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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