if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
