I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hippo gnu deer
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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