he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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