you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize