Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
