had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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