theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
