dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
