We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
