I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
