i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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