my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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