She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
