Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You're like the curious george of whores
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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