He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
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He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
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I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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