Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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