And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
