There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
third nipple confirmed
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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