so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
