I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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