I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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