I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
