Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
