2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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