If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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