everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
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he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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