9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
