Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
