So drunk its hurt
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
