this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
