he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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