Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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