So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
