Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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