I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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