ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
