i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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