If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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