she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml