Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
