Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike