If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.