Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
