I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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