i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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