captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
