Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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