Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
