He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
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I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
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Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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