i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
