He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
