I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
