you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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