A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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