the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
