I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
